Drowning in Sorrow

[Disclosure: I wrote this a few weeks back but I hope this brings someone peace today]

©  The rain slowly pitter patters against the car window as I travel down a desolate road. My heart is heavy though my surroundings are peaceful. I begin to contemplate the struggles of life but, not soon after, my mind becomes entangled and the route I should take becomes unclear. Overthinking events and emotions, things I need to do, and previous events that I constantly try to decipher. I hide within my chest a need to scream, to be alone, to rid myself of the hurt I am feeling. Rainy days allow me to free myself of restraint, to dwell in my uncanny sorrow in attempts to gain a deeper understanding of who I am. I cry out but no one hears the fears I hold within. I wonder why I have become engulfed in valleys of varying emotion while attempting to uncover moments of the epiphany that holds all truth. At one moment, I am on top of the world looking at all the beauty that an experience can hold. The next moment uncovers despondence.

I fight this deep sorrow with an urge to look at the blessings in my life yet I am reciprocated with a deep-seated pain in my chest. I want to understand myself but how do I do that if I can not explain my most treasured emotions? How do I do this if I feel stuck in a constant repetition that never ceases to haunt me? Seasonal depression brings out a need to drown in the pouring tears that I can not seem to unleash. I am reminded of God’s promise for me but I find comfort in my hurt, an inability to free myself of the chain of disgrace and a need for mercy. The mercy allows for reconciliation and the reminder that I will be wiped clean, not only of my sins but of my disappointments and in this, the tears fall and my heart ceases only to repeat the cycle. 

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. –2 Corinthians 4:8-10

This quote reminds me of the valleys of emotion one feels. It shows how God works through people who have moments of weakness. Each and every one of us has an element of vulnerability as a result of the uncertainty that comes along with life.  Within moments of weakness, one is, paradoxically, able to see the strength and power that God has in one’s life. For example, there are many times in Paul’s life that emphasizes an element of desperation. Every time Paul was in danger, God’s power shined through. When someone goes through an emotionally taxing event, there is always an element of desperation. Whether it be the symbolic loss of a loved one, the death of a loved one, a disappointment…or any other form of heartbreak in one’s journey? The basis of life is to maintain a balance. There will be times of sorrow but, thankfully, there will be times of happiness. These moments of sadness may take a toll on someone’s well-being; it is not a sign of weakness to find sorrow in something regardless of how “minimal” it may seem in the eyes of another. Grief is okay. Grief is normal. It’s okay to let yourself mourn. In fact, it’s essential. Take time to reflect on your hurt. It may difficult when everything around indicates a need to stay positive but I can assure you that allowing a moment of melancholy to wash away your pain may be what you need to get through another day. I speak from experience and, I too, am still learning to accept that it is okay to remorse.

A friendly reminder:

The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. – Psalm 34:18

Keep smiling but don’t forget to let yourself cry. I can assure you that it will improve your spirits afterward. Maybe that is why I love rain so much. It symbolizes the releases of emotions and shows us that even Mother Earth needs to cry sometimes.

©  Kiki Mueller 2017

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