Written: Nov. 19, 2019
I’ve had some time to think lately. A lot of time to think, actually. I’ve spoken with people who feel the same way recently. Confused, uncertain, and a little lost. I found comfort in knowing the similarity of emotions being felt or, personally speaking, the lack of emotion. Quite frankly, the only reason I am writing this is because I don’t have wifi and limited data so I was forced to find something productive to do. But lately, the only thing I am able to equate to productivity is academic and/or career based focus. There have been many epiphanies that have occurred throughout the course of this year. I began 2019 progressing through my studies leading me to May were, for the first time, I took a break..kind of. I had one class while I worked at a local shop. It was much more fast-paced than the usual summers I have at home, in the country, with less action and opportunity for new experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I adore living in a quaint little area with the much admired solitude that comes with an area surrounded by houses but at least 10-15 minutes of driving to any store. Anyways, I came home and I had already started my first two 8-week classes for the semester and I managed to stay occupied as I recovered from the Summer, meal prepped, watched tv and became readjusted. The classwork was a much heavier load than expected. When I started a 3rd class overlapping the last two weeks, that cycle went much smoother than I expected. Ironically, the confusion came during my time with the least business.
I am aware of my tendencies to base my success off of tangible accomplishment, as I mention many times throughout my blogs, but I REALLY have been struggling this season. I am not sure if it’s due to such a drastic change from chaos to calm. Despite the calmness being felt in chaos and chaos being felt in the calm. I questioned a lot about myself; my morals, my expectations, my future, and my decision making. Constantly wondering if I was/am making progress. I thought about pursuing internships or a job or possibly both because I thought that I needed more activity once these classes were so minimal and I had more free time than expected. I questioned Do I need to find peace in this free time? or Do I need to use this free time to find new ways to progress? And, to be quite honest, I’m still not sure. So, here I am sitting in a still moment and learning to accept these moments of uncertainty. Maybe this time of stillness was not meant for me to be calm.
“You are being renewed in the spirit of your minds” ~ Ephesians 4:23
Maybe the internal chaos is meant for me to GROW. I am learning to differentiate forms of growth beyond academic achievement. I am learning to find GRATITUDE in moments of internal conflict. Most importantly, I am learning to be unashamed. The worst part about this time in my life is not having a distinct timeframe for me to follow. I have nothing to compare my current moment to so I am left with decisions. Decisions on which friendships to cling to, which forms of education to pursue, and how to spend my time in a way that best serves the purpose that God has put me on this Earth to achieve. At least I’m owning this moment instead of repressing it. Here’s to embracing the unknown and embodying the present moment.
“And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.” ~ Ezekiel 36:26
To sum it up, I think growth and stagnancy can be spontaneous. Sometimes, it takes moments of numbing oneself to feel GRATITUDE towards the beauty of emotion. Using a situation to reflect can equate to self-improvement.